STORY TRANSLATION


ONE NIGHT...

IN FACT, THE STORY OF OUR CRYPTIES BEGINS LIKE THIS. MY LIKENESS ORIGINATED FROM A SITUATION GUIDED BY FATE, WHICH IS AS UNBELIEVABLE AS IT IS TRUE. PERHAPS ALSO BY THE HAND OF THE DARK LORD – BUT FOR THE TIME BEING FURTHER IN THE TEXT. ONE NIGHT (I SAID EARLIER), THE AFRICAN TSETSE FLY BUZZED THROUGH MY TILTED BATHROOM WINDOW. HOW THIS INSECT COULD COME SO FAR FROM ITS NATURAL HABITAT TO ME IN GERMANY, I’LL TELL YOU MAYBE AT ANOTHER TIME. IN ANY CASE, THIS LITTLE FLYING DEVICE BUZZED AND HUMMED IN THE DIRECTION OF THE SHOWER, WHERE I WAS WHISTLING WHILE HOLDING THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE OVER MY HEAD AFTER A NIGHT OF TWITCHING.

JUST WHEN MY HEAD WAS COVERED WITH FOAM, THE INSECT DECIDED TO TAKE A SHORT BREATHER (IT HAD A LONG WAY BEHIND IT) ON MY SHOULDER. EVEN THOUGH INSECTS ARE DIURNAL, THEIR PREFERENCE FOR HUMID ENVIRONMENTS IS NOT ABSENT AT NIGHT. AND SO SHE CLEANED HER PROBOSCIS FOR A MOMENT – AND STUNG.

THE STING OF A TSETSE FLY DOES NOT GO UNNOTICED, BECAUSE IT CONFIRMED MY SHORT “AAHH”. THE SHAMPOO BOTTLE FLEW AGAINST THE GLASS SHOWER STALL WALL AND I HIT MY SHOULDER AND AROUND ME LIKE CRAZY. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SHOWER FLOOR WAS COVERED WITH GREASY GEL AND SO WHAT HAD TO COME HAPPENED: I LOST MY FOOTING, GRABBED THE SHOWER HEAD HOLDER WHILE I STAGGERED BACKWARDS. SINCE PART OF THE CORONA TIME WAS SPENT EXCLUSIVELY ON COUCHING AND EATING HANDMADE SWEETS AND TREATS, I HAD ALSO GAINED ON OR TWO GRAMS… THE BRACKET RIPPED OUT OF THE WALL, CAUSING MY BODY TO FALL IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. THE TSETSE FLY BUZZED UPWARD WHILE CHILLED AND WATCHED THE SPECTACLE FROM THE TOP EDGE OF THE GLASS SHOWER WALL, SMACKING MY BLOOD DROP IN THE FLY’S MOUTH.

CRACK. MY FACE KISSED THE FLOOR OF THE CUBICLE. DON’T ASK ME WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MEANTIME. I DON’T KNOW. ANYWAY, I WOKE UP AGAIN BECAUSE THE WATER WAS GETTING COLD. THESE OLD BOILERS ARE ALSO SIMPLY NOT MADE FOR LONGER SHOWERS. I OPENED MY LEFT EYE SLIGHTLY, BLINKED A LITTLE, AND SAW THE DROPS OF WATER FROM THE SHOWER HEAD IN FRONT OF ME HIT THE FLOOR AND SHATTER INTO A THOUSAND OTHER TINY DROPS.

THAT’S WHEN I SAW HIM. WHAT WAS THAT? I STRAIGHTENED UP A LITTLE, PUTTING MY HANDS ON THE WET FLOOR AND PUSHING MY BODY UP.
AGAIN I SAW THIS LITTLE SOMETHING SCURRY PAST THE OUTSIDE OF THE CABIN.
BECAUSE OF THE WATER RUNNING DOWN THE GLASS WALL, I COULDN’T IMMEDIATELY SEE WHAT IT WAS. BESIDES, MY HEAD HAD BEEN AFFECTED AND WAS THROBBING LIKE HELL. “HELL IS RIGHT, MY FRIEND,” AND A GIGGLE REACHED MY EARS. HAD I SAID THAT OUT LOUD? “BULLSHIT, THAT WAS ME YOU ZERO” – I HEARD THAT VOICE AGAIN. I LOOKED UP. THERE WAS ACTUALLY A RED, SMALL DEVIL WITH A TRIDENT – AND HE LOOKED LIKE ME!? I HAD TO SIT DOWN. “WELCOME,” IT SAID, HE, I…EH..WHATEVER. “WHO ARE YOU?” I ASKED, STILL RUBBING MY FOREHEAD IN DISBELIEF. A UNICORN WAS NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT WAS JUST STARTING TO GROW. “I AM THE DARK LORD.” CRASS, I THOUGHT. I’M TALKING TO MY COUNTER. AT 4 O’CLOCK IN THE MORNING, IN THE SHOWER, WHICH I HAD TURNED OFF IN THE MEANTIME. I’M A HOT SHOWER GUY, YOU KNOW.

SHIVERING, I GOT UP, CAME CLOSER TO THE LITTLE GUY. HE HELD OUT HIS HAND TO ME AND REPLIED WITH “I HAVE AN OFFER YOU CAN’T REFUSE” – HE CHUCKLED AND I IMMEDIATELY HEARD A SHARP OF LAWYERS IN MY HEAD SHOUTING “COPYRIGHT! COPYRIGHT!” SCREAMING.
“LET’S HEAR IT…” I REPLIED WITH A GROAN. “WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER MY FRIEND” AND HE POINTED AT ME WITH HIS TRIDENT GRINNING. “YOUR STREAM SUCKS. BUT IT WILL BE A HIT IF YOU LET ME DO IT”. I LOOKED AT HIM SURPRISED, BECAUSE I WAS ALREADY PROUD OF MY 10 SUBSCRIBERS AND 52 FOLLOWERS… AFTER ONE YEAR. CLEAR THROAT “OKEY, AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR IT?” I ASKED HIM, MEANWHILE A BIT CLEARER IN MY HEAD. “YOU, MY FRIEND, HELP ME TO CONTINUE MY BATTLE AGAINST THE GENERAL FINALLY AND FOREVER”.

YES… AND SO I ENTERED THE WORLD OF CRYPTIES. OR THE WORLD OF CRYPTIES INTO MINE. EACH. DID I ACCEPT THE OFFER OF THE DARK LORD? YOU CAN SEE THE RESULT IN MY STREAM.

THE DARK LORD DID NOT KEEP HIS PROMISE, OF COURSE. STILL MY STREAM IS NOT A HIT, BUT I CAN’T GET RID OF THIS LITTLE GUY. BY THE WAY, TSETSE IS MY HOUSEFLY SINCE THEN. IN THE MEANTIME, HOWEVER, WE HAVE GROWN SO FOND OF THIS SPECIES THAT I AM SECRETLY GLAD ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED THAT NIGHT.

CRYPTIES, GATHER AROUND.

THE FIGHT GOES ON!